Settling In

It's still kinda hard to believe.

At this point, it's not so hard to believe I'm pregnant. I know that I'm pregnant.

It's hard to believe that in 8 months, we will have a baby. That's the part that I'm having a hard time buying into. I am trying so hard to stay optimistic, but that's hard when you know so many people who have experienced miscarriage. I feel like I know more people who have gone through that than have gone through infertility.

So, that's where I am today.

This morning I woke up at 7 and pretty much wasn't able to go back to sleep even though I felt tired. I felt hungry, like really hungry, so I had to get up and eat something. I used to forget to eat lunch, or I wouldn't eat until 2pm sometimes. But now when I get hungry it's like I have to eat something NOW.

Not really having morning sickness, just getting a tiny bit queasy here and there, usually when I'm hungry and haven't eaten something. But not enough to make me feel like I'm going to yack, just like I could if I kept ignoring being hungry. ;)

I pretty much quit coffee cold turkey, but I think I might need to stop and get a half-caf today or else I'll fall asleep at church.

2 Years in the Making

You may or may not have noticed my attempt at artfully and creatively dodging pregnant people, babies, and questions about pregnancy or babies over the last 2 years.

Aaron and I decided in August of 2007 that it was time to start a family.

But God had other plans.

We had always had some reasons for thinking that we might have issues when it came to having kids, but we had faith that it would be okay.

And then it wasn't. We didn't get pregnant. Again. And again. And again. I got progressively more depressed about it. It became harder and harder to watch our other friends have children and wonder if we ever would be able to or if we would have to try every fertility treatment available only to end up empty-armed.

We kept putting off going for testing, thinking maybe this month it will be different. That times 27 months gets tiring. Meanwhile, I'm getting outright depressed over the circumstances. One of my closest friends has had 2 children in the time we've been trying (yes, they are close in age). And pretty much everyone in our Bible study has kids or foreseeably soon will.

So, we got an appointment for a consultation with a specialist at a reproductive health center. I was a nervous wreck going into it, it felt like we were about to jump onto the scariest (and most expensive) roller coaster imaginable. After waiting for our appointment for nearly an hour, we left that appointment yesterday feeling no more assured of any possibilities than we did when we walked in. We left feeling vulnerable, frustrated, and with no more answers than we already knew.

But then something occurred to me.

The doctor was asking me about the date of my last cycle, and I couldn't remember. Partly out of frustration.

As we were driving home I decided to count back and try to figure out when I should be expecting my reminder that I was not pregnant.

Wait, is that right? Am I really a day or two or three late?

No.

Scroll through and find a chat I remembered about my previous cycle.

Really? I'm late. Okay, I've thought I was "late" before and taken a test only to see a big fat negative result. I mention to Aaron that I *think* I'm late and wouldn't that be funny if this time we really were pregnant.

He wanted me to go buy a test and wait to take it until he got home from back to school night. Once he got home, I vaguely remember moving quite quickly to rip open the box and take the test.

What happened next was completely unexpected.

I swear the time waiting for a pregnancy test to turn is the longest 3 minutes you will ever experience. And I've heard they turn faster when they are positive. But when I saw the little "Pregnant" on the screen without the "Not" in front of it, I think I lost my mind. I called Aaron (well, screamed for Aaron to come in, in a crying weird sort of overwhelmed scream), and showed him the good news. I was in absolute shock. Pregnant. We are pregnant.

No more infertility and insurance run around, no more scouring the internet for potential causes and treatments.

Just scouring the internet to figure out what my little bean looks like right now.

Yeah... it's been quite the interesting evening / day. I truly have a hard time believing it's real. I swear I have had more placebo symptoms in months when I for sure have not been pregnant. Although I do feel like I have spidey-sense with my nose. I'm smelling every single particle in the air, I swear! :)

I won't lie, I'm still really scared I could have a miscarriage. It sucks to have to live in such fear, but they're really quite common. I absolutely feel that this is a total answer to prayer, and I don't know why God would arrange such extraordinary circumstances only to have it not come to full fruition... but if that does happen, I'm clinging to the idea that at least we know we did get there without any doctor's help, so there is still hope.

But yay! I'm pregnant! And if all goes well, I will be a mommy by Mother's Day! (due date May 4 according to the internet)

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

See? Two out of two tests agree, I is preggo!!!